Saturday, 5 May 2012

For the sake of my relationship,Pirates MUST win the league by Malaika wa Azania

by Malaika Wa Azania on Sunday, March 6, 2011 at 3:58pm ·
Orlando Pirates is currently standing at the top of the Premier Soccer League log.The Buccaneers have played 23 games,with 14 of these having been won and 7 resulting in a draw.2 loses are not bad at all,when one compares them with the 18 of the Aces,who are bottom of the League log.amaBhakabhaka have 49 points,35 points more than the Aces and 3 points more than their worst rivals,Kaiser Chiefs.Patrice Motsepe's Sundowns is second on the log,with 47 points.Thankfully,both rival teams have played 24 games,meaning that the Skull & Bones have a game in hand...a game that they MUST win if my relationship is to survive.

I'm not a fan of Orlando Pirates.The last time i watched a Pirates game i fainted because of the hotness that was Phumudzo Manendzhe.Truly,that man was a dream! Tall enough to touch the stars and give them to me...and ofcourse,that smooth ebony-sculptured face.I could just eat him up! La chocolada!...

Ok,before my partner starts throwing a fit,let me get back to what i was saying.
I'm not into soccer.I prefer politics.I'm not interested in 22 sweaty men running around a pitch for 90minutes chasing a ball...only to draw (sorry maKHOSIkazi,i'm not mocking you,i promise) in the end! If you gave Julius Malema 90 minutes infront of a tv screen,you'd change the world,man! (Ok,atleast you would change the world's belief that the ANC produces brilliant revolutionaries)

I have a problem with soccer.It is a romance killer.When Pirates is playing,the love of my life,Vusumuzi Martin Bhengu,forgets that i happen to be alive.He doesn't call me.He doesn't sms me.Infact,he undergoes (selective) amnesia for 90 minutes.It doesn't matter that i miss him.No no.It doesn't even matter that i want to talk to him and tell him how he's the hottest man alive.No no.He doesn't care about ANYTHING,period.
I always wait with batted breath for the final whistle to blow.And i always pray (and i'm an atheist,nogal) for Pirates to win,because:

1. If it doesn't,i must put up with a grumpy man for DAYS to come.

2. He'll want to talk about how Mark "Professor" Mayambela is a cow,how he missed opportunities blah blah blah.
Hello! Who cares about a Black dude named Mark? Can't we talk about Gwede Mantashe or maybe GENERAL Cele and his dodgy deals?

3. Whenever the Sea Robbers win,my man is the most romantic,most divine man alive.He calls me his queen (the exact word is actually "Ndlovukazi"...him being from KwaZulu Natal and all...)

My relationship is dependent on Pirates winning.It MUST win.I don't care if it wins by own goals (remember World Cup 1998 in France? Or rather,remember Pierre Issa).I don't care if it wins by Diego Maradona's "Hand of God" or if someone must be head-butted (ask Zinedine Zidane how it's done).Whatever it takes,Krol must ensure that my man is a happy man.

And as for the artists called Chiefs,may they keep drawing...

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